The time has come for Phoebe to go to kindy. Visted childcare centres in December with her and had a look-feel of what they're like. Once we decided on a centre, I've been telling her everytime we pass by it that she'll be going to kindy when baby is almost due. She's been enthusiastic and would look forward to passing by the centre. Registered her in March and I started to bring her to the centre for a play. I've always sat in there with her, getting to know the children in her class and watching them play together. It's always been a case of "I don't want to go home, mummy!" That said, I know, as with most children, that play dates and reality can be very different experiences. For the past week, we've been counting down sleeps to Kindy Day. I talked about going to kindy and what we remember them doing. She'd always join in and say, "I'm a big girl now," or "I can wash my hands myself," or "Mummy go home and I'll stay in school?" To all her questions, I'd always tell her that yes, she is a big girl now and will be fine in kindy. She always agrees. We went shopping for her kindy bag yesterday and popped in a new bottle given to her in December for her birthday to bring along. She chose her own bag and wouldn't put it down. Last night, she helped to label all her belongings with name stickers given by my sister a couple of years back. It was exciting to go to school. I was very happy to see her looking forward to kindy. Then, reality struck today. At breakfast, she asked if I'll leave her in kindy with the other children. I told her that that's the plan and that I will pick her up after a sleep and afternoon tea. "I want mummy to stay with me," she frowned. I smiled and said that I'll go in with her. When daddy left for work, he mentioned about her going to kindy. That set her off crying. Not daddy's fault, but she did feel that something wasn't right. And so, we had about 15 minutes of crying and pacifying, with, "I want mummy. I don't want baby to come out." I guess there's no way out in this situation. The more I tried to hurry her or get her to be quick, the more she didn't want to do it. So, another 10 minutes of brushing teeth and getting changed, followed by 15 minutes of applying sunscreen and insect repellent, then finally 10 minutes of Doctor Phoebe giving mummy medicine to keep mummy healthy. Thankfully, getting into the car wasn't an issue by then and we managed to get to kindy without any fuss. She carried her bag happily and held on to her bottle for outdoors play. She screamed when I passed her to Miss Michelle, her room leader, but when I drove out of the centre's compounds 10 minutes later, she had stopped crying and was standing under the shade watching the other children play. Relieved? Yes, definitely. She can stand there all day for all I care, so long as she doesn't cry much. Crying can be very draining emotionally and physically. But I know that if she were to just stand and watch, she's processing things around her. I don't know what her day will be like, but having put her in MOPPETS and Sunday School, I'm sure she'll be fine. There'll be a few moments of tears, but she will probably be enjoying it most of the time. Mummy me has been having anxiety attacks that she won't cope and I won't cope. I think it's more about me than her. My baby has finally grown up to go to kindy. I have an empty house to myself for now. Truth be told, I've been praying for her to have an open heart to changes and be able to cope. For myself as well, to be able to let go and not worry. I try to look at her like other children I look after, but it's just different. My mind tells me rationally that she will be fine, but my heart aches to let her go. This mothering business is so confusing. :) But I'm glad to have all the years of childcare and day care experience to know that my daughter will be fine and so will I. It was a very constructive day. Enjoyed the quietness and being able to get things done around the house without a little person at my back every 10-15 minutes! | 
